I love my Rock- Valentine for Erik

I 've known Erik now for over half my life...wow that is strange to say. I mean we are both so different than when we first met...college dorm young, skinny, wilder, weirder, louder  (thats' mostly me.)

Why do I love him...if love is how one makes you feel then he makes me feel beautiful, safe, appreciate, intelligent, sexy, capable, loyal, like a great wife, provided for, like a great mom.

But love is more than that.  Love has to be more than how I feel, in response to my sweety and hopefully more than how he feels in response to me ( which I am assuming is all positive).

So who is my sweety?
Intelligent-- one of the most innovative problem solvers I know. He sees solutions to things no one even thinks of. 

Dead sexy ( yeah baby! ). Provider strong sweet, generous fixer, Steps forward in faith, admits he is wrong (usually), puts others first(always). 

 I love him for the big moments in my life but more importantly the small moments:  hand held, pat on the hiney ,the encouraging word, the laughter at a joke, and tears during a movie. 

His life reflects a Big God .
He strives to ,however imperfectly, be more Christ-like and less Erik-like. It is a joy to know our hearts are together, to know  he is in Love with God as much as he is in love with me. 

So I have tried to minimize Valentine's over the years. It is really made up holiday overall that seems to cause an inordinate amount of stress, over spending, over  eating, and chocolate sales. I am against all of those except the chocolate sales. Erik has never really cared for cards (and has expressly asked to not receive one unless a kid made it or it was really funny). But I wrote this poem for him. 

Valentine for Erik

At night

I reach out to touch your hand.

Even in sleep you reach back.

My index finger traces

the back of your hand,

slowly descending to the palm.

Calluses like rocks leading to hills of knuckles.

Scars map out certain histories.

Heavy hands full of building and moving,

earth smells of oil and wood,

nails and soap,

man smells.

Your gold band has rough edges,

collecting warmth in the middle.

I reach the beating life

at the base of your wrist.

I track the rhythm

with my finger tips

until my pulse slows

to your steady beat.

1 John 4 
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.¹⁷In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. ¹⁸There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

¹⁹We love because he first loved us.  

A Tale of Two Brothers

Luke 15- 11-32-- "The Prodigal Son"  or as I think of it "Tale of Two Brothers".  The part of the story of the younger brother seems so true.

I want to be that brother.

I want the story of  rebellion, repentance, and redemption. That is a noble story-- A story of the gift of grace -- beautiful unmerited favor. A dramatic story with a loving resolution. An underdog that gets the win.

Thinking about the younger brother presumes he is the focus of Christ's parable. As if Jesus was saying : Don't be like this. Don't demand blessings and squander them. Don't leave the father's side or you will be lost.  But maybe he isn't the focus of the parable. Maybe it is the hardened heart of the older brother.

I am the older brother. My easy cautious life makes outward rebellion impractical if not ridiculous. But a heart's rebellion? A heart's unwillingness to forgive whom God forgives? Love whom God Loves? That is my rebellion. My heart is wallowing in the mud spiritually with nothing but the pigs food.

Both brothers wanted riches and inheritance.

The younger brother was just honest about it and was unwilling to wait.

The older brother still wanted the inheritance but was willing to wait it out and check all the boxes. Stayed home- check. Worked hard every day -- check. Followed the law -- check. Followed the rules-- check.  Got the approval --check. Did everything right--check. Get the land/wealth/family name in the end--check.

And that is what I am after isn't it? Not Grace. Not Mercy. Not Love. Not if those things are going to also be given to those I don't feel deserve it. I want God to reward inheritance the way I see fit-- as if those mighty gifts were mine to distribute in the first place.
I want to check off a box and get the prize so I can then judge those who don't. Because then I'll be right. Then I'll be good.

Thank you Mighty GOD, your ways are not my ways.


Oh my Father--
Let me do nothing that is "right" becuase it is right, but becuase it reflects your righteousness.

Let me do nothing that is "good" because it is good, but because it is your will acted out in the world... a way to bring The Kingdom at hand.

Let me do all things with the same Mercy and Grace you freely give me.

Let me see the embrace of your open arms, knowing you have been here all along.